The school's library

On their way to the library a person addressed him.
‘’Nice name. I like it.’’, the boy called Motomo said. Abigail gave him an emotionless stare.
‘’I hate it. Call me Reece.’’, he lied. He liked his name. It was special. He knew his parents had wanted a girl and that had made him lose most of their bond with them. But still he accepted the fact Abigail was his name his parents had given him. As long as they still loved him everything was alright. ‘’I'm used to this girly name by now.’’, he thought to himself.
They arrived at the library and Abigail stood there in silence watching. It didn't look like he was much interested, but actually he was in awe.
The library was huge, even bigger than five classrooms combined, at least. And all these books; it really smelled like an old dusty library. Abigail liked the smile, it made him feel safe and at ease. Because at home he read, he often did.
Suddenly a tap on his shoulder and Abigail's attention was caught by this Motomo boy. Abigail looked at him, no expression at all. Though, he wondered what the boy wanted from him. What he wanted to say.
‘’Hey, Abigail. What do you think? Nice or what!?’’
‘’He looks happy. That's good.’’, Abigail thought to himself. Though he had no idea why he thought it. He guessed he was just getting a little bit more friendly in his thoughts. Because he still was socially awkward with words.
‘’Yeah, it's amazing.’’, he simply said, voice monotone, but he meant what he said.
The library was huge, and truly looked amazing. Abigail was amazed, better said. If only he could express himself better. He cursed at himself in the back of his head. ‘’Why do I always sound like I care about nothing at all? I can't even show a simple smile when I'm happy or excited...’’
he knew it was just awkwardness.
It was fear and shyness, his social skills were terrible, as he had been bullied for his name and the dresses his parents had made him wear since he was a little kid. That bullying had shaped him, had made him shy, had made him socially awkward.
‘’Mind if I call you Abby?’’, Motomo asked.
Abigail looked at him, a confused look on his face.
‘’I told you. It's Reece.’’, he said, though he didn't actually mean it.
‘’I like that name. Sounds good...’’, was what he truly thought. He knew the student would most likely call him Reece then, or just Abigail but the boy didn't really want that.
If only he hadn't been so socially awkward.
Someone bumped into him and he groaned. Looking around he saw it was the girl, Hinami. She had headphones on. She took them off and blurted out an apology. Abigail just looked at her and shrugged.
‘’No worries.’’, he simply said.
‘’Why get angry over something like this.’’, he told himself in his thoughts.
‘’I'm going to talk to the girl. Just trying to get to know people.’’
‘’Sure.’’, Abigail said and he watched Motomo walk off towards Hinami. The boy rested his hands in his pockets as he stood there in the middle of the library, just staring around. All those books. He wondered how old they were, how long they had been standing here. Because some looked extremely old.

Lola had followed the group to the library. Now she was standing there with her hands behind her back, looking around, staring at all the dusty books that were there. There were around three floors, maybe even four. This library was truly massive.
Her eyes fell on the group and she walked over to them in silence. She stood watching them from a distance, just to be sure she could not be seen.
Because even if she stood between them, if she didn't say anything they would just not see her.
If she was quiet she was like a ninja in the dark. Silent, invisible, unseen, unnoticed. She didn't mind being unseen by others. She loved the solitude.
Her eyes fell on Abigail, her cousin. She knew him when they had been little, so she knew he was just the same like her. They often thought they were brother and sister, as much as they were alike in so much.
They even didn't believe their parents when they told them they were really cousins, two people from the same family with distant bloodlines. But they had found out it was true; they were not brother and sister.
Still, they often talked to each other like they were. They were pretty close.
Lola's eyes fell on the older boy, the senior, it seemed. He was standing there and there were two other boys. One was the boy the senior had hugged before in the hallway. The other one was around her age, maybe a bit younger; the one that had joined the tour later and run after them.
Just like her.
She just watched in silence, waiting for the moment her cousin would recognize her and address her.
Because even if they were both dark and socially awkward, they had no issues talking to each other.
They had the same thoughts, the same humor, the same ideas. Everything was the same about them.
Like they were twins.
Like they were each other's clones. Just with the opposite gender.

‘’I'm sorry, Reece. I won't do it again.’’, Motomo said to Abigail before walking off to Hinami. He spoke with the girl for a moment and not long after returned. Abigail watched him in silence.
‘’I'm so bad at showing what I want...’’, he thought, feeling stupid. He actually liked his name. Why did he keep on telling people he wanted to be named Reece while that wasn't true? Was it because he didn't want to come off as a girly boy, a faggot?
‘’I like boys too, doesn't that make me a faggot already?’’, he kept on asking himself. He stopped right there, disappointed with himself. He was doing it again; he was thinking negatively about himself. It was time to stop thinking now.
He had to think negative about others, not himself. That's how he kept on going everyday.
‘’Hey, if you wanted a nickname for me I could allow Mot or Mottie but personally I prefer Motomo.’’, Motomo said. Abigail gave him a stare. It was like he was confused, like he didn't really understand the thing Motomo was saying. But it was more than that.
Abigail noticed something was off with the boy, something. He didn't exactly know what, but it looked like something was bothering Motomo. Something Abigail couldn't see.
‘’I dunno.’’, Abigail simply responded, though his mind was totally different than his words. ‘’I like Mottie.’’
‘’So, do you live on campus or with your parents?’’, Motomo asked, Abigail shrugged.
‘’Live with my parents. Nothing special there.’’, he said. He didn't really want to talk about it since he loved his parents, but they didn't really understand him. After all they still wanted a girl, but they could not have children anymore. Abigail was a boy, at home treated like a girl.
How much he even told his parents he didn't want to be treated like one.
His father always called him a princess.
He loved his father a lot, but he hated that nickname.
He hated it so much.
Suddenly Motomo pulled up his sleeve and started scratching, and Abigail looked at it with huge eyes. There were scars there. Why were they there?
‘’Uhh.... Sorry.... I uh have to go to the bathroom-- see you uh in a bit?’’, Motomo said before running off, out of the library. Abigail sighed and rubbed his eyes; he had to become the comforting friend now, right? He guessed so. Motomo would be kind of disappointed if no one ever came to look for him and comfort him, right?
He decided to go after the boy, running into a girl by accident; his cousin Lola. ‘’Oops, sorry, be back soon. Gotta help.’’, was all he said as he shoved her aside to get past her. Like a gentleman.
He moved out of the library, not saying anything to anyone else as he made his way out of this part of the building, closing the door behind him. There in the hallway he found Motomo, staring up at the ceiling, clenching his arm tight.
Abigail sighed and moved over to him, stopping next to him and hiding his hands in his pocket as he rested his back against the wall.
‘’Running off makes you a pussy.’’, he said, even though that sounded way harsher than he had wanted to. He looked at Motomo, no expression on his face whatsoever. ‘’Abigail, call me Abigail.’’
‘’Why did you do it? I mean, that?’’, he asked as he pointed a Motomo's arm. ‘’Sure you have your reason for it, right, Mottie? I like that name. What's your reason?’’, Abigail asked, looking up at the ceiling. He talked way more than normally, mainly because he was trying to help. Well, help in his kind of way. ‘’Not that I do it. But I gotta be honest. I would love to. I wish I had the guts.’’
he sighed and shook his head, looking down at the ground, a rather serious face now coming up, a bit of a sad one. ‘’You don't need to do it, you know. There is no reason for it. It's useless, it doesn't help. It's only torture to yourself. And it would only worry your friends.’’

‘’Well, firstly, thank you... Abigail... for coming to speak to me... I appreciate it greatly. I ran off to try stop people from seeing, guess it did not work.’’, Motomo said and Abigail looked at him, shrugging. ‘’No worries I guess. But yeah, running away makes it even more obvious.’’
‘’I like Mottie too, I just prefer only some to call me it.’’, Motomo spoke again and Abigail let out a huff.
He turned his head, looking away from the boy, staring at the wall in front of them.
‘’Okay, Mottie it is, then.’’, he said. He said it because he liked to annoy people. Because maybe annoying Motomo would take the boy's mind off of the subject they were now talking about; depression and all that shit.
Abigail couldn't stand this kind of talk, so he wanted to talk about something else, actually. But right now he had no other choice than to talk about it.
‘’I-- I do it because... It well... Relieves the pain of a depressive spell. It's not really about guts... I mean you need to be brave to do it.... but, well... I don't really know how to explain it... You just get a kind of urge. You feel like you need to do it. I hate the way I look, the way I deal with things but I can't control myself... it's almost like my anger issues. It also seems to well relieve stress too. Sometimes, torture sounds better than what goes on in my head... I don't mean to make others worry...’’
Abigail looked back at Motomo, just staring at him. He stood there with his hands in his pockets, just standing and staring. He didn't really have much to say to that. He just kept quiet and listened to all his words till the boy was finished speaking.
‘’Well you do.’’, Abigail said. It wasn't really that he meant that Motomo worried him, but the boy might worry other people, his actual friends. Because Abigail was not his friend.
He was just someone who kept a conversation going on, a painful one.
He probably wasn't even helping, now was he?
‘’You won't um share this with anyone else, will you?’’, Motomo asked and Abigail shrugged.
‘’It depends.’’, he said, though that most mostly meant as a joke. Because of course, he would never tell anyone someone else's secret. ‘’Guess not.’’
‘’But it depends. Because maybe some who can help need to know. You never know.’’, he added after that. ‘’I mean, for example that Mika person. He seems like a nice and trustworthy person. He might be able to help you. I don't have the feeling I do.’’
‘’I never help... At least not in the way others want me to.’’, Abigail thought, hiding a pained expression as he looked at the ground, hands still hidden in his pockets. ‘’Why can't I just talk to him myself? Why can't I simply help? Why do I always need to bring others into it who are better than me? I'm such a pathetic person,’’

‘’Sorry, I'll think next time.’’
‘’Good, good.’’, Abigail answered, just staring at the wall in front of him. It looked like he was thinking, but in fact he wasn't thinking at all. He was just staring.
‘’You're the most trustworthy person I've met.’’, Motomo then said and Abigail glanced at him, giving the boy a frown before shaking his head, sighing.
This boy was weird; there was no way Abigail was trustworthy, now was he?
He just said what he thought and what he wanted to say. There were not many secrets with him. If he found something annoying, he would say. If he found something stupid, he would say it. There was no reason to hide anything.
Yes, sometimes there was, in case you didn't want to hurt other's feelings. But Abigail had never really socialized due to his past. And so his answers were blunt. Blunt and probably upsetting, but always honest. Well, as honest as he could get.
‘’Abigail, you're the kindest person I've met yet.’’
Abigail looked at Motomo. No, it was like a stare. His eyes were big for a few seconds as he stood there in silence, hands still in his pockets. He blinked a few times, processing what the boy just had told him.
That's when a snicker escaped his mouth, and the snicker turned into a loud laughter over only a few seconds.
Abigail brought one of his hands to his head, and the other one to his stomach. As if laughing so hard hurt his head and belly. And he just stood there laughing, laughing till it hurt, laughing till a few tears left his eyes. He had never laughed so hard in his life. Even though it was a sarcastic laugh, it was a laugh, a real one.
After a while his laughing quieted down and he wiped the few tears from his face, shaking his head as he steadied his breathing. Taking a deep breathe to completely stop himself from laughing he took on a serious face again and let his arms drop at his sides, staring at Motomo. His face was so serious and emotionless, it was like nothing had happened at all.
‘’The kindest person you've met? You got to be kidding me.’’, he said, sighing. ‘’I'm far from that. I'm socially awkward and do not know how to help people. Neither do I want to. The reason I helped you was because you probably wanted to be comforted; since running away made that so obvious. People always run away after such an event, only to gain attention from others. You might have done it without realizing, but it's the truth.’’
Again his words were harsh very harsh. But he didn't really care. Why would he care? This boy was no friend of his, so he wasn't afraid to make him sad or angry. He was just trying to help, but if he failed then so be it. His helping always failed.
‘’Just don't torture yourself again, okay? I mean, are there no friends that care or worry about you? I couldn't care less, but just thought I would try and help.’’, he said, shrugging.
It was weird, because he had never really talked so much in his life before. He had never really every helped anyone out, or at least tried to. Normally he helped with simpler issues. This was a rather big one.
And he had never laughed that much before, either.
He often only smiled, only for a few seconds or a split second.
But with Motomo he had laughed his ass off.
Why?

‘’You're not as far as you think. You may be socially awkward but I've always been pushed out my whole life. I don't have friends. I ran away for the opposite of attention, not for it. I make no promises, there are no friends other than you that I consider as a friend- although you may not see it the same way. You have to of had some level of caring to be able to come out and help, it really did help. Everyone else who sees it either hates me or discriminates me.’’, Motomo said and Abigail looked at him, shrugging again.
‘’I'm not your friend, and I don't really care.’’, he said, though he lied. He did care a little bit, though he didn't exactly know why.
Maybe they were alike in some things? Or maybe it was just because he was changing slightly. Abigail always tried to avoid people. Today he was doing the exact opposite.
‘’Why am I suddenly so goodhearted?’’, he thought, feeling a little bit ashamed of himself; he normally wasn't like this. It was totally different from his true self, the way he acted right now.
Was he finally making friends after all? Or at least interested and social enough to make friends?
‘’You should consider yourself as a psychiatrist.’’
Abigail looked at Motomo to see the smirk on the boy's face. He sighed and grinned back, his hands still resting in his pockets. It felt weird to grin. He barely grinned, either. And it had just happened out of the random. He had never grinned automatically.
‘’Oh really? If you say so.’’, he spoke, sighing for a second again as he stared back at the wall in front of him. He brought his hand up and rubbed his head, feeling a little bit awkward. He had never acted like this before, it all felt so different, so weird. Was he finally socializing with someone? It didn't feel that bad after all. ‘’What am I feeling right now...?’’
‘’Soooo... do you wanna stay here for a while or shall we go back inside the library? I don't care either way.’’, he quickly spoke, trying to think of something else.
Because his thoughts now slightly confused him. He had never felt like this before. He had never acted like this before. It was strange. Weird. ‘’You choose whatever you think is best.’’
‘’Am I being a better person right now?’’

He heard Motomo giggle after he had responded with a smirk, as well, but Abigail didn't really pay much attention to it. Motomo had already stopped himself from giggling soon after, anyway. He heard the boy clear his throat afterwards.
‘’Don't choke in it.’’, he thought, rather sarcastic, but he didn't say anything to the boy. He guessed keeping his mouth shut for now was the best option.
‘’Well... We could go in but I-- I'd like to speak with y--you for a bit. About something else... Anything? Just I want to get to know you better...’’
Abigail looked at Motomo, staring at him in confusion, he began to feel even more awkward all of a sudden, because no one had ever told such a thing as this.
He really wondered what Motomo wanted from him.
‘’What? Why me?’’, he asked, his words came out rather shocked. Though, Abigail never really stuttered. He was always able to maintain his calm self. ‘’No one ever wanted to get to know me better, not even just know me. What makes you different? What is your reason?’’, he asked. After that he realized he sounded rather rude again. Like always.
‘’Stop it, you're not making anything better. Shut up for once. This is why you never make friends.’’, he told himself in his thoughts, feeling rather awkward again. Or still.
‘’I um... okay. So why me? Because I'm not that much of a good person or a person anyone would like to have as a friend. So why me? What did you want to talk about then?’’, he asked, looking at Motomo.
He had a hard time looking the boy in the eyes, so he automatically looked back down at the floor. ‘’I mean, I don't really talk much, neither do I talk much about anything good and fun.’’

‘’Well... I am different, not very social, have too many issues and such. You are different, you didn't say I'm a freak for what I do, in your own way, that I like, you comforted me...’’, Motomo began telling Abigail his reasons. Abigail just looked at him, feeling more and more awkward.
‘’This is weird... What is he trying to say?’’, Abigail thought. He actually began to wish now Lola was here.
His cousin would know what to do, right? She would pull him away from this all.
She would make sure he didn't have to deal with this anymore.
Because he didn't like this feeling. He didn't trust it. It felt weird.
‘’You're exactly the person I'd like to have as a friend.’’, Motomo said and Abigail swallowed. What was this feeling? Was he really feeling too awkward to make friends. Was he too shy?
It was shyness, right?
‘’We don't have to talk for a hundred years~ But I well, like you.’’
‘’Like me...?’’, Abigail thought, not really sure what to think of that. ‘’Excuse me?’’, he asked, taking both his hands out of his pockets and dropping them at his sides. ‘’Like me?’’
‘’Please don't think I'm a weirdo...’’
‘’I don't.’’, he said, staring away from Motomo. ‘’It just sounds weird. I don't really know anymore what's going on.’’
He rubbed the back of his head as he looked down, suddenly feeling something that made him feel even more awkward.
Was he blushing? He had never blushed before in his life.
He guessed his parents treatment finally got to him. After all they had always wanted a daughter, not a son. It kind of hurt Abigail, because they had given him a female name and treated him like a girl, called him their 'princess'.
He had now slowly started to act like a girl because of it, it felt like it. Because his parents didn't accept him for who he was.
He suddenly realized something; his name was a girl's. Abigail was a female name, no unisex. Yet he was a boy with that name. Maybe this could change the subject slightly. ‘’I wonder what he thinks about my name...’’
‘’Hey um, do you think my name is weird?’’, he asked, a bit bluntly. He had the feeling he was going to stutter, so he kind of blurt out his words just to be rid of them.
After all he wanted to change the subject and think of something else. Because the way he felt right now and the way he was acting scared him slightly. He didn't feel like himself.
‘’Do... do you wanna know how I got it?’’

‘’You know exactly what I meant.’’, Motomo said and it felt like Abigail blushed more.
He turned his head, staring away from the boy, rubbing the back of his head again. He guessed this was a habit of his, the thing he did when feeling awkward. Because he could not stop the action he did.
‘’Oh god I need to stop feeling like this, why am I feeling like this?’’, he thought, trying to calm himself, but he really felt too awkward right now.
He really had never felt like this before, it was a whole new feeling. And not knowing what it was he wanted it to stop.
‘’You know there is nothing wrong with blushing.’’, Motomo said again and Abigail looked at him, cutting his eyes at the boy but still not saying anything. Why did he actually even blush?
‘’Blushing is a weakness. Why am I weak? I don't want to be weak.’’, Abigail thought, trying to forget about it. So he decided to ask Motomo about his own name. He wanted to know what the boy thought of it.
‘’I love your name, its different. Don't be ashamed of it, it is who you are. I love it. Sure, if you want to tell me how then I'd love to know.’’, Motomo said after that and Abigail nodded as he looked at him, before lowering his head and staring at the ground again.
No expression on his face whatsoever.
‘’Thanks. It's a girl's name.’’, Abigail began, even though he guessed Motomo probably already knew that. Because it was a fact.
There was no other boy in this world named Abigail, right?
‘’My parents wanted a girl but they got a boy, so they gave me a girl's name. They even treated me like one, called me Princess.’’, Abigail said, a chuckle escaping his throat. Though, it did not sound like a happy chuckle.
‘’I was always treated like a girl. They didn't respect my feelings nor my opinions.’’, Abigail continued, the chuckling tuned into a short heavy breathing for a moment.
It felt like he was going to cry.
He felt tears sting his eyes.
He wiped at his eyes; he had never really cried before. When he was around ten years old he had just stopped crying. But now it felt like everything was going to burst out all at once. All his piled up feelings from over the last years.
‘’It sucks, but I've learned to accept and like the name.’’, he said, before wiping at his eyes some more. He suddenly felt so vulnerable. It scared him. Maybe this wasn't a good thing to talk about, after all. ‘’I'm sorry, that was weird. I normally don't cry. I never did.’’
it was half a lie and half the truth. He had cried before, but he just hadn't cried anymore for more than four years. ‘’So, what about you? You want to talk about anything?’’
‘’Let's wrap this up and just forget about this awkward moment...’’

Abigail felt Motomo suddenly touch his shoulder and he looked up to see the boy staring at him. Abigail felt like pulling away so Motomo would not touch him anymore.
He wanted to, but for some reason that felt like a bad plan, and so he stayed put. Even though being touched made him feel even more embarrassed.
Not long after he felt Motomo pull back his arm again and saw it drop to the side.
He sighed, it sort of was a sigh of relief. Because now he didn't have to deal with too many awkward things anymore.
‘’Well, can I just say blushing is not a weakness like many think it is. It's a way of showing emotions. Secondly, crying is the same. You can cry, you know? You're past is well quite emotional and must of been hard. Well I guess if you want to hear my past you can...’’
Abigail nodded, shrugging slightly.
‘’This conversation we're having is so weird. It feels so weird... But it's not that I hate it. It just feels really awkward.’’, Abigail thought to himself.
‘’Crying is a weakness too. It's all a weakness, the whole emotions thing. Nothing good comes from it.’’, Abigail said in response. ‘’But yeah, if you want to talk about your life, go ahead. I will listen.’’